Where Does It Leave Me?...

For the past week, I have been a good family member and friend more than the usual if not more. I realized where it gets me in the end...NOWHERE!

I was there for my cousin where I felt that all his friends were using him and then making fun of him behind his back. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way. His sister saw things that I saw and felt the same way. But I let it go on and let him know what was happening. Maybe he might not be aware of what was happening behind his back. Then he told me that he spoke to them about it. Then I saw more disturbing things have said about him after he had spoke to them about it. So I said nicely to the people who were involved that they should stop saying mean things. But then the reply from them was way more harsh than the situation at hand. So I spoke on it to my cousin and his reply was to just ignore them. So I felt that I was standing by him and thinking I was doing the right thing but when it comes down to it, he left me out cold. He sided with his friends who were talking behind his back. ::SMH::

So what I learned from all that was I can be there for people but that would be the last time I stick my neck out for people who don't want to be saved from anything. I am learning to just listen to them and let go...and not to make it my burden. As long as I am there to listen when they need to be heard or not, I think it would be enough. I guess it will be me being there for them without putting myself out there.

And for the happy thought for me...I am dedicating this hump day to T.I. for looking so scrumptious.

Weekend Recollections 11/28 - 11/29

Saturday...

The whole day was not productive at all. But I guess I knew that since I got up. I just needed one of those days. I was lazy and fully rested.

Sunday...

I got up and cleaned my room. I did all the laundry and took a shower and got ready for work. I couldn't believe I was preparing for work. LOL. I was feeling emotional and a bit down. I guess it could happen when I started thinking about things.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

It's Official!

Today when I woke up, you were there on the list. Then I got off work and I accidentally saw the number on my list and you were gone. I was in shock. I expected you to delete me earlier but you didn't. Now you did and I feel like you left me all over again. I cried so hard. I am having a tough time with this. All I can do is pray and ask for strength for me to deal with it.

How could you be so heartless?...

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I Feel Sad...

Sometimes I just sit and think endlessly and I have this sense of sadness and I start to feel the pain. Right now, I am sitting on the back of the bus and I feel as if I have lost so much in my life. There is something definitely missing in my life. I can't seem to concentrate and am not happy. When I see people who are so happy, I envy them. I don't want to have what they have but I want to know when my happiness will come and stay with me. My day will come...hopefully...

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Stolen...

My smiles are stolen from me. I haven't been able to smile for days. All I feel is sad and abandoned. I feel left out in the cold. I need answers. As much as I am very open...I am a very private person. But I shared and was being shared with. I was taken back to where it all started since little and was told that it will be my turn next time. We will be going to Pagodas. We made plans. Where did it all go? Were they all lies or just were words that said because they were there and didn't mean it at all, but I heard it because was I delusional?! But I wasn't. It was all there.

I tried...

At least I can say I tried my best. But I wasn't too sure why I find myself reading emails when I was in Burma. It's very sad to read them. I guess I am still in shock. And I keep replaying every scenes that happened for the past 3 months and prior to that. Was I dreaming? Did I actually go through that? How are you dealing with all of this? Because apparently I am not feeling so good right now. But I promise myself and give you my word that I won't be speaking of it anymore. Well at least to you I won't. What I do on here is I guess my problem. I just know I have to find a way to deal with it. You seem okay with everything. I wish you the best and I want to see you happy. I pray for strength for me to deal with it. I can't seem to let go of it. All the things we have said to each other are still haunting me.

Why am I crying over someone who doesn't give a shit about me?

It was decided...

I waited the whole weekend...well...I guess since I had zero to none on having patience department, I didn't really wait. I asked for it and I got what I didn't want. As little time as we had I was attached to you. I had so much fun with you. You made me smile, laugh and all emotions I can think of. But I have to accept that it's all done and over with. I keep hearing conversations that we had and I realized maybe I was the one who is attached to you more than you were attached to me. You told me you are not attached to me so it can't be something I conjured up. You were so cold telling me it's over. I wish I can be like you and walk away. Well I will walk away just for you but to myself, I feel like shit. I am trying hard not to cry but nothing is helping.

CTRL, ALT, DEL Day!...

I wish I can CTRL, ALT, DEL today. Sometimes expressing what you feel is not the best thing. It can land you in the worst place you don't want to be.

I want today to be over and let tomorrow be a better day.

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