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It's been a year since I have posted anything on my blog. A lot has happened. I have learned many lessons and sometimes more than I can handle but I survive. I am stringer than I look and I feel. I always discredit myself most of the time. But truly, I am proud of the woman that I am. The saying is absolutely right...tough people last.

Good to be back...I won't stay away long this time.

Where Does It Leave Me?...

For the past week, I have been a good family member and friend more than the usual if not more. I realized where it gets me in the end...NOWHERE!

I was there for my cousin where I felt that all his friends were using him and then making fun of him behind his back. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way. His sister saw things that I saw and felt the same way. But I let it go on and let him know what was happening. Maybe he might not be aware of what was happening behind his back. Then he told me that he spoke to them about it. Then I saw more disturbing things have said about him after he had spoke to them about it. So I said nicely to the people who were involved that they should stop saying mean things. But then the reply from them was way more harsh than the situation at hand. So I spoke on it to my cousin and his reply was to just ignore them. So I felt that I was standing by him and thinking I was doing the right thing but when it comes down to it, he left me out cold. He sided with his friends who were talking behind his back. ::SMH::

So what I learned from all that was I can be there for people but that would be the last time I stick my neck out for people who don't want to be saved from anything. I am learning to just listen to them and let go...and not to make it my burden. As long as I am there to listen when they need to be heard or not, I think it would be enough. I guess it will be me being there for them without putting myself out there.

And for the happy thought for me...I am dedicating this hump day to T.I. for looking so scrumptious.

Right Here Right Now

I don't want to be in a relationship but I do want to be in-like. It would be some what of a cute thing if I have someone that I want to be around to call upon on to do whatever. I do miss being able to trust someone that I can fall asleep in their arms. I just realized I am not so sure what I exactly want at this moment but I can definitely say I am missing something. I think I got the blues.

Good Deeds Day...

I got up so early and went to NJ with my parents for the new temple. I thought of you. You told me you wanted to go with me. I saw lots of food that you would want to eat. I was so about to call you but I told myself not to. You probably don't want to hear from me. I donated money to the monks. I feel peaceful. And I can still feel you in my heart.

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Wedding Weekend...

My cousin got married to the man of her dream on May 24, 2009. I was the maid of honor at the wedding. It was very busy and exhausting but I had a blast. We all enjoyed at. I was all out of funk because all I can think about was you. I miss you so much. I am starting to get pissed off at myself because this is getting prolonging. I mean I don't think you are missing me. I am having a hard time.

I am so exhausted inside and out. I just want to crawl in my bed and not face anyone.

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4PM...

I go back and forth with what I should do with my situation. Well...for one, I told myself to feel whatever I want to feel. I let myself be free from all the restriction. I even let myself IM you when if need be done for the moment. I am head-over-heels in love. And the part that gets me the most is that I can admit out loud. I don't care who knows it. It is self less type of love because you told me you won't love me ever and I still love you. I care for you and I want to be there for you but seems as though you are not letting me. But it's ok. I have to let the course flow and go along the path.

Right at this moment, I am at a cross road where if I should let myself be free and let you go as you requested or I should not give up because I want to make sure I did everything in my power to work with it!

One day at a time!!!

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It was decided...

I waited the whole weekend...well...I guess since I had zero to none on having patience department, I didn't really wait. I asked for it and I got what I didn't want. As little time as we had I was attached to you. I had so much fun with you. You made me smile, laugh and all emotions I can think of. But I have to accept that it's all done and over with. I keep hearing conversations that we had and I realized maybe I was the one who is attached to you more than you were attached to me. You told me you are not attached to me so it can't be something I conjured up. You were so cold telling me it's over. I wish I can be like you and walk away. Well I will walk away just for you but to myself, I feel like shit. I am trying hard not to cry but nothing is helping.

Which One?

Is there a difference between kissing & having sex with someone? Of course, there is! Kissing is very intimate and sleeping with someone is less intimate. Or it can well be vice versa. It all depends on the individual...

Speaking of which one, while I'm on the topic, would like to talk about hate, loathe and resentment. Well, hate is pretty powerful word so sometimes I'd rather use dislike or loathe but then there is a RESENTMENT. Of all the words, I would like to use that word. I don't hate, loathe, or dislike, I RESENT HIM!

Months ago like 4 months, I would say I couldn't define my feelings on him or the situation but now they are all clear. I have this resentment towards him. He used to ask me if I hate him or saying things like you hate me, don't you. "No, I don't hate you. I resent you." Now that's the most defined feelings ever! Can you live with that?! And I am not hating. I am just me and this is the way I deal with things. Love it or love it more...it's me!

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