Good Deeds Day...

I got up so early and went to NJ with my parents for the new temple. I thought of you. You told me you wanted to go with me. I saw lots of food that you would want to eat. I was so about to call you but I told myself not to. You probably don't want to hear from me. I donated money to the monks. I feel peaceful. And I can still feel you in my heart.

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Feel So Good...

I fixed my blog site. I am so happy I did it on my own. I think I still need to fix one little thing but my brain is fried. I don't have an IT degree and I got myself this far so hell yea I'm proud of myself. Also feel geeky but proud! = )

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I Matter...

Sometimes, I sit there and think about one person in the world who doesn't give a shit about me. And I get carried away with it and I start to feel sad. That's when I should stop and say to myself, I matter also and why should I be thinking about someone who doesn't give any crap about me. It's a daily battle for me and so far I am losing. I would just like to go a day without thinking about you if I could. But seems impossible. So I say to myself, one day I will be able to not think about you. I have got to start somewhere and take one day at a time. I have to love myself or who else will.

I hope everyone is having a great day. It's after all a Thursday, a day away from the weekend. Although, the weather is crappy.


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Wedding Weekend...

My cousin got married to the man of her dream on May 24, 2009. I was the maid of honor at the wedding. It was very busy and exhausting but I had a blast. We all enjoyed at. I was all out of funk because all I can think about was you. I miss you so much. I am starting to get pissed off at myself because this is getting prolonging. I mean I don't think you are missing me. I am having a hard time.

I am so exhausted inside and out. I just want to crawl in my bed and not face anyone.

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Missing You...

I miss you so much it hurts. I don't cry anymore because I'm all cried out but it feels empty. *sad*

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I Did What!!!...

I reinvented myself today. I created a new link for this blog. I mean you knew my old one and I don't know if you read it but why tempt you. So I did you a favor and I found me a new name for my blog. Yay me!!!

I feel better today because I am focusing on the wedding. I haven't written a speech yet. I don't know what I'm waiting for. It sucks to be me right now. But as always I believe in myself. I can do this with eyes closed. Lol!

I am on the road on the way to VA. Dad is driving and it's a beautiful thing. I will be knocked out pretty soon. :).

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Day In & Day Out...

There is not a moment that you haven't crossed my mind. Every fcking thing reminds me of you. That shit is starting to piss me off. I can't shake you out of my system. I don't want to but I have to. You have moved on and I should do the same. Especially today you stand tall and still in my mind.

So here is the funny moment... The ex that I want to contact me doesn't but the ex that I'd rather be away from sent me an email nonchalantly. Was I supposed to be replying to that? HELL NO! Now I'm thinking if you felt that way when I was on your shit for a minute. But I doubt that! So that was why I thought I had a chance when all the cards were already dealt with from your side. All the signs are there so now it's up to me to accept the truth. Truth hurts but I am dealing it in the best way I can. Sometimes the devil side of me wants to flip off THE TRUTH!

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7:30 AM ...

Has anyone made plans ahead of times and the day came and the plan's haunting? YES! I had things to do today after work and tomorrow for that matter. But it will not happen and I am destroyed by it. I would like to be there where I'm supposed to be. We would have tons of fun. Now I completely understand why I don't make plans because they slap you in the face when they don't happen. Course of life changes everyday and I just have to work with it. Just like life in general, I am still work in progress. I can't wait to see the finishing product.

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Happy Birthday...

Today is your birthday. I want to wish you but you are stopping me from it. I know you ignored me 'til the end so I don't want to make you upset that I wished you. But there is no stopping me from expressing it on my blog. :)

Happy Birthday "YOU" !!! I wish you happiness, full of joy on your day and many more. May all your wishes come true.

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Anxiety of Separation...

That's what I'm feeling right now. I can't get over it! I don't even know how a person deal with that. I wish I have a switch like them.

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Time Does Not Heal...

When people say, time heals everything...it's pure BS. I am sure it does but not all the way. You can only heal from it if there was not much pain involved from the start. The pain and hurt will be there. And I got scars to show from them.


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I Lay Awake...

At nights, I can't go to sleep. Once I close my eyes, I wake up exactly in 15 minutes looking for you because I feel the emptiness in my chest. Is that even normal? I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. There is that strong attachment taking over me. I still do what I have to do on daily routines and maintain the "me" part but my thoughts are always with you. I want to be numb.


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What a Wonderful World...

I was on E train standing by the door and I felt a stare. I looked to my left and this lady was just holding onto the pole like a pole dancer and staring at me. Dude, take a picture! I LAST LONGER! WTF!!! No freakin manners. Didn't her parents teach her not to stare?!


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4PM...

I go back and forth with what I should do with my situation. Well...for one, I told myself to feel whatever I want to feel. I let myself be free from all the restriction. I even let myself IM you when if need be done for the moment. I am head-over-heels in love. And the part that gets me the most is that I can admit out loud. I don't care who knows it. It is self less type of love because you told me you won't love me ever and I still love you. I care for you and I want to be there for you but seems as though you are not letting me. But it's ok. I have to let the course flow and go along the path.

Right at this moment, I am at a cross road where if I should let myself be free and let you go as you requested or I should not give up because I want to make sure I did everything in my power to work with it!

One day at a time!!!

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What a Beautiful Sight!

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Randomly thinking...

I need one of your hugs. They make it easier when the life gets hard. So I keep you with me in my heart.

WTF!

I didn't understand the whole concept of this outfit. But I guess that's none of my business, right!!!

Yes, thanks for the smile! =)

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There is a saying...

"You can't beat 'em, Join 'em!"

I have a funny story. Well not really funny because those are my feelings but what else can I do but LAUGH! Me and my luck, I say!

So I have been feeling crappy for almost a week. And I sit there day after day to analyze myself WTH was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong. I am in love!!! I don't think, nor guess, I AM!!!

The funny part is that I am not even with the person that I am in love with. He decided he doesn't want to be with me. Well this is how I came to realize that I'm in love. For all these times I was with him, I was falling for him. There are things that I was willing to do because I want to be with this man. He didn't ask from me. I wanted to. I still want to. But that's not all of it. But you can't clap with one hand, right! So like I mentioned in my previous entries, I keep replaying moments we had, emails and things that we talked about. And no I am not living in the past. I am trying to understand why I can't let this go. And the audience, this is the reason why. I AM IN LOVE! I will never tell him this because he told me it's best if we ended. So I gave him what he wanted. So why tell the man I'm in love with him, so he can laugh at me? So I keep this to myself and make peace with it. It could have been a beautiful thing. I guess if it was meant to be he will be back or not, but I have to set him free. So I did.

People make mistakes, it depends on if you want to work things out and see what the outcome will be. But he didn't even leave anything open for us to continue. He wants nothing to do with me and I still have love for him. So I say this to myself, GOOD LUCK, YOU NEED IT!!!

Love is one of a kind and for now...love is a bitch and I live with it!!!

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Stolen...

My smiles are stolen from me. I haven't been able to smile for days. All I feel is sad and abandoned. I feel left out in the cold. I need answers. As much as I am very open...I am a very private person. But I shared and was being shared with. I was taken back to where it all started since little and was told that it will be my turn next time. We will be going to Pagodas. We made plans. Where did it all go? Were they all lies or just were words that said because they were there and didn't mean it at all, but I heard it because was I delusional?! But I wasn't. It was all there.

Love...

I think for two people to really love each other, to really commit to each other, it has to be an act of will. A decision. And I think two people have to live that decision every day. Even when things are hard and you feel like giving up, you have to hang onto that decision, the choice you make to love each other, even if it's only by a thread.

Love is wanting someone you love to be happy and loving them even they don't feel the same way.

So much from a person who doesn't have a slightest idea about LOVE. I am capable.

I tried...

At least I can say I tried my best. But I wasn't too sure why I find myself reading emails when I was in Burma. It's very sad to read them. I guess I am still in shock. And I keep replaying every scenes that happened for the past 3 months and prior to that. Was I dreaming? Did I actually go through that? How are you dealing with all of this? Because apparently I am not feeling so good right now. But I promise myself and give you my word that I won't be speaking of it anymore. Well at least to you I won't. What I do on here is I guess my problem. I just know I have to find a way to deal with it. You seem okay with everything. I wish you the best and I want to see you happy. I pray for strength for me to deal with it. I can't seem to let go of it. All the things we have said to each other are still haunting me.

Why am I crying over someone who doesn't give a shit about me?

One word...

FOCUS!

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Stalker Alert!!!

With all the madness happening with me, there was the stalker at the train station this morning. YES, ON MONDAY!!! I was happy I didn't see him at the bus stop but when I got to the train station, there he was. OMFG! He stared and stared and stared. Did I say he was staring? Thank goodness for the headsets I got in my ears and I didn't look at him after I saw him. He tried talking to me but I wasn't having it. I put my head down. There was 2 trains at different tracks and the FCKER followed me to my track. I was pissed so I found me a two seater with someone was already in it. Phew! The I saw him standing by me and thinking I would give in and talk to him but I closed my eyes and pretended like I needed sleep for days. It's believable being it's Monday and all. :)
And that my friend is how I got rid of my stalker of the morning! Kudos for me!!!

It was decided...

I waited the whole weekend...well...I guess since I had zero to none on having patience department, I didn't really wait. I asked for it and I got what I didn't want. As little time as we had I was attached to you. I had so much fun with you. You made me smile, laugh and all emotions I can think of. But I have to accept that it's all done and over with. I keep hearing conversations that we had and I realized maybe I was the one who is attached to you more than you were attached to me. You told me you are not attached to me so it can't be something I conjured up. You were so cold telling me it's over. I wish I can be like you and walk away. Well I will walk away just for you but to myself, I feel like shit. I am trying hard not to cry but nothing is helping.

Have you...

ever missed someone so much that you feel the emptiness in your chest and the hurt? It's really not a good feeling but when you do feel that, that's when you really realize how much that person mean to you and you need to have them in your life. I miss you so much but at this point there is nothing I can say or do anymore. I keep replaying things we have said to each other, plans that we make, things that I would like to do with you.

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Happy Mother's Day...

To my mother and all the wonderful mothers out there for the best job you have done with us. Today and everyday is your day. Nothing can replace a place of a mother. A mother carried us for nine months, nurtures us, still does, takes care of us and all that good stuff. Thank you.



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What I want...

Here is how it all started... I met you years ago. But you were unavailable to me and to others as I were. But I can always look as long as I don't touch, right?! Right! Anyways...we were no friends but cordial. It was all good. When there is a beginning, there is an end to it. But I didn't mind because as I mentioned above you weren't mine to begin with.

Years later, I found you again. And also to my favor, you were available. So was I! So I started it by saying hi to you and you were kind of closed off to yourself. So I almost gave up. But you came back which I was very happy about. So we met up and we started this thing called a relationship. I loved it. You were perfect for me. I was happy. We never had any problems except when I couldn't see you or be with you. All I wanted was a little bit more of your time. I needed you to know I loved being with you. So now everything went south and we are at a point where we are on the verge of breaking things off. I so not want it but I have no saying in it. All I know is that I miss you, I want to be with you and you make me happy. I needed more time with you and that was our problem. We didn't have any major problems like others. Now you said you need time to think about us. I understand thinking about it for a couple of hours but not for days. I didn't propose to you, I didn't ask for your liver. I asked for more time with you. We haven't even been with each other for that long but I definitely think we deserve a chance for a long time coming opportunity to be with each other. I hope you come back to me with a solution to our problem, not a way out from US.

Not for nothing you found my blog. I didn't want you to find it because I was all over the place with it and I was kind of ashamed for you to read all my entries. But I am not writing this now so that you can read it but I am writing it so I can write my feelings about us. Since you are not talking to me and I don't know who else to talk to and I know for sure no one is reading this, here I am writing this letter.

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CTRL, ALT, DEL Day!...

I wish I can CTRL, ALT, DEL today. Sometimes expressing what you feel is not the best thing. It can land you in the worst place you don't want to be.

I want today to be over and let tomorrow be a better day.

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Random Thoughts...

As much as you would like to think things will change as we grow older, things stay the same. Today, I got a call from a friend's wife. She called my cell because she saw my number on her husband's phone. I still don't blame her but I was kind of shocked. I was bamboozled by her call. I didn't do anything for her make that call to me. She just doesn't have the trust in him, I guess. She asked me bunch of questions like where I was, how I knew him, if I knew he was married and have a kid and when I last spoke to him. For a minute there, I thought I was in court. This chick apparently have no clue what-so-ever. I had no obligations to make her feel at ease with this situation but I did anyways because I pity the fool and put myself in her shoes. Still I didn't have to.

I was busy with Thae Thae's surprise bridal shower. I am glad things went well. The bride was surprised and overwhelmed. Mission Accomplished!

Back to normal again...at least some part of my life is. Although some parts I feel I am settling. Gotta work on those!



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